Contents

1: Not my fault

2: �You talkin� �bout me?�

3: No dogs

4: Ghosts in the closet

5: When poodles fly

6: Not long now

7: Spooking the horses

8: Here comes Ugly Club

9: Terrifying Beast

10: The very best of shows

1: Not my fault

OKAY, OKAY. SO spank my furry little bum. I held a party.

And, go ahead. Stuff me with sorry pills. It all ended up a bit of a mess.

Well, more than a mess. A disaster.

Well, more than a disaster. A real riot.

But it was not my fault. If Ellie hadn�t got so bored she rooted through the cupboard and found that old photograph album, I would never have known the date of my birthday. None of it would have happened.

So you blame Ellie. Don�t blame me.

2: �You talkin� �bout me?�

IT WAS A horrible day. Horrible. The rain was splattering against the window panes. The wind was howling. So Ellie lay face down on the rug and flicked over the pages of the album.

�Oooh, Dad! Here�s one of you the day you tumbled in that muddy ditch.�

(Best place for the man, if you want my opinion.)

�Oooh, Mum! Come and look at this photo. Your hair looks lovely.�

(On Planet No-Style, maybe. But not here.)

On and on Ellie went, squealing away like that baby mouse Tiger and I gave such a good fright behind the wheelie bin. In the end I decided I couldn�t stand it any more, and made for the door.

Just then she squealed again. �Oh, here�s one of Tuffy! Doesn�t he look sweeeeeeeet?�

I turned to give her one of my �you talkin� �bout me?� looks. She didn�t even notice. She was too busy oohing and aahing and fussing and cooing. �Oh,

come and look at this, Mum. Tuffy looks so cute!�

I�m not going to hang my head in shame and make excuses for myself. Back then I was a ball of fluff. I was a kitten. Baby kittens are sweet.

Ellie picked out another photo. �Oh, look! Tuffy is gorgeous!�

I couldn�t help it; I was curious. So I strolled back to take a look. And sure enough, there was this photo of me, all huge and trusting eyes, and fur around me like a fluffy cloud. I looked like something off one of those soppy birthday cards your great-aunt sends to your mother.

I nearly threw up. But Ellie was pointing to the writing underneath the photo as she read it aloud.

�Our enchanting new kitten. Born on 31st October.�

3: No dogs

�RIGHT,� BELLA SAID. �First we must decide on where we�re holding this birthday bash of yours.�

�My house, of course,� I told them.

�It�s my birthday and my party, so we�ll have it at my house.�

Bella sighed. �Have you forgotten what day it�s going to be?�

�No,� I said, and couldn�t help turning sarcastic. �Unless I just happened to step out tonight without my brain, it�s on 31st October.�

�That�s right,� said Bella. �And that�s the night your family plans to hold a big Halloween party for everyone on the street.�

�Really?� I was astonished. �News to me.� I turned to Tiger. �Did you know that?�

�Sure I knew,� Tiger told me. �This morning I was just sitting minding my own business on the front door mat when the invitation came through the letter box and fell on my head.� He ran a paw over his fur. �I can still feel the lump.�

�I knew too,� Snowball told me. �My family have already fetched their dressing-up box down from the attic.� She scowled. �And Tanya thought it would be amusing to put a bonnet on me.�

�What did you do?� asked Tiger.

�Scratched her, of course,� said Snowball. �Really hard. She won�t try that again.�

Everyone chuckled, except for me. I wasn�t in the mood.

�I don�t believe it!� I grumbled. �You live in a house for years. They feed you, try to cuddle you and make you think that you�re a member of the family. And then they send party invitations all round the town without even mentioning it in front of you!�

Bella could tell my feelings had been hurt. �Perhaps you simply weren�t around to hear them talking about it,� she suggested soothingly.

I thought back over the week. It�s true I had spent most of every day out scaring squirrels. And every evening out with the gang. In fact, when I thought about it, I�d only stepped inside to see what sort of grub they�d put in my dish before deciding whether I�d rather stroll down to the fish shop and knock the lid off their waste bin.

But still, I felt a bit sore. If my own family had decided to hold a party, you would have thought they might choose to celebrate my birthday, not stupid Halloween.

No. I was miffed enough to take a stand.

�Right, then,� I said. �We�ll have my party somewhere else. How about round the recycling bins?�

�Bit dangerous,� warned Bella. �All those cars backing up in the dark to dump their papers and bottles.�

�Under the scout hut?�

�You�re joking,� Tiger said. �It�s really hard to squeeze in through that hole, and then it�s freezing.�

So that settled it.

�All right,� I told them. �We�ll hold my birthday bash in the Fletchers� barn.�

�That means we�ll have to invite the horses too.�

Everyone groaned. Horses. Just think about them. Cloppy great feet. Giant black nostrils you could climb up inside and then get lost. Legs as knobbly as Granny�s furniture. Basically, a horse is just a huge pudgy barrel on great long matchstick legs, with feet like upturned teacups.

Party animals? I don�t think so! But you can�t hold a party in someone else�s home, and not invite them.

�Okay, then. Horses it is.�

�What about dogs?� asked Bella.

We all turned to stare.

�Dogs?� Tiger said, and shuddered. (He�d only just got down from the last tree young Buster had chased him up.) �No. Absolutely not.�

Snowball is more of a softie. �Not even that harmless little thing from Laurel Way that looks like a tiny toilet brush on legs, and is so soppy it can�t even jump off a bed?�

�No,� Tiger said. �Not even that one. If any dogs are invited, I�m not coming.�

So that was settled, then. No dogs.

4: Ghosts in the closet

ON THE WAY home, I hatched a little plan to pay my family back.

More fond of ghoulies and ghosties than of their own pussy cat, were they?

Well, I�d show them.

I sidled through the back door, then up the stairs and into Ellie�s bedroom. Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes was sitting up in bed, reading a book.

I jumped up beside her and snuggled.

�Oooh, Tuffy!� she said. �You are so nice and sweet and cuddly.�

I kept my temper. It nearly choked me but I even managed to cough out a purr.

5: When poodles fly

THE COUNTDOWN BEGAN. If you�re a friend of mine, it was a countdown to my birthday. If you are not, it was a countdown to Halloween.

I did a good bit of sulking.

Okay, okay! So I did more than sulk.

I brought in dead things while they were eating lunch, and shed hairs over their pillow cases, and scratched great holes in all their precious carpets.

All in all, I had an excellent week.

Finally the big day came. Early that afternoon, the family drove off to get the stuff for their party. I�d seen the list. Food. Scary decorations. Halloween masks� I�d scoured it from top to bottom several times but hadn�t seen the very important words �A present for Tuffy�. And that could not have been because they didn�t have the money, because when they came back with armfuls of expensive shopping I saw they�d splashed out on something that wasn�t even on the list.

A floodlight for the front of the house.

He�s not the world�s best handyman. So when I saw him going to the tool cupboard to find the things he needed to wire it up, I thought it wiser to leave.

It was a bad time to be out and about. Just before dark. Dogs everywhere, all being taken out for the last proper walk before their families sit down to supper. That�s the worst thing about dogs. Everything they do makes trouble for others. Think about it. When they get bored with staying home and doing all the stupid things they do � �Come!� �Beg!� Fetch!� �Down!� �they have to make a nuisance of themselves fussing and whimpering to get their owners to take them out. Me? I just stroll out of the door.

6: Not long now

I DIDN�T FORGET to invite Misty.

�Yo, dude!� she yowled. �A party! Excellent! That rocks.�

Then I remembered Muff and Puff. �Why bother to call it a party?� they asked me when I told them. �Isn�t that what we do all the time? Stay out all night and make a noise?�

�You�re not invited,� I reminded Pudge the terrier. �No dogs at this party.�

�Oh, boo woofing hoo,� he jeered.

�Will there be games?� asked Fluffball.

�Only the usual,� I said. �Hide in the Hay Bale. Shred the Straw. Cry Mouse! Oh, and we�ll probably have races round the rafters.�

Together we strolled along to the barn. Up in the hay loft, Georgie was ignoring the spiders� grumbling as he scooped up their cobwebs and draped them around the rafters in attractive festoons. �I�m going for a natural, no-frills look,� he explained to us. �Folksy. Naive. And I am tending to stick with the earth tones.�

�Do you mean brown?� asked Fluffball.

Georgie gave her a stern look. �Come on!� he scolded. �Look around. We�ve a style rainbow here. Khaki and chestnut; oatmeal; toast, mushroom and rust; biscuit; bran and tobacco leaf; coffee and fawn��

We left him reeling off his precious shades of muddy brown and went to look at the food.

Snowball was standing proudly in front of a hay bale spread with delicious goodies. �Most of it comes from KeenKost,� he explained. �Today is their clear-out day. And I have laid my paws on some excellent p�t� only a day past its date stamp.�

I peered into one of the tubs. �Well, whisk my whiskers! Is this double cream?�

�Nothing�s too good for the birthday boy!�

I peered over the edge. Below, the horses were shifting from hoof to hoof.

�Getting excited, guys and gals?� I asked them. �Well, it�s not long now!�

7: Spooking the horses

IT WAS A brilliant party. It absolutely rocked.

First we played Boomerangs.

Then we did races round the rafters. I chose Tiger�s cousin Marmalade as my partner for the doubles because she looked as if she�d corner well. And I was right. We won our heat by a mile, and then we waltzed away with the main race.

We ate all the grub. Boy, was that tasty! Better than anything they were eating back at the Halloween party. And when we were all feeling totally stuffed out and bloated, we played Spook the Horses. That was a little mean, considering that it was past their bedtime. But it�s a good laugh. All you have to do is wait till the poor old dears are nodding off in their stalls, and then you drop on their big fat bottoms from a great height.

No claws. That would be cheating.

They wake up, startled, and they neigh.

Neeeeigh! Neeeeeeeigh!

Five points for a single neigh. Ten for a double. Two extra points for any hoof clattering. And there�s a bonus of ten if all the horse�s hooves lift off the ground at the same time.

Great game!

The problem is we played it for much too long, and woke the farmer. She wasn�t in the world�s best mood when she came stomping into the barn in her boots and pyjamas.

We all laid low while she went down the line of horses in their stalls, patting and soothing. �Hey, fellas? What�s the problem? Are you all right, Dolly? What�s all the fretting about?�

She glanced up at the loft. I thought she might climb the ladder and see the mess we�d left on our makeshift hay-bale table. But we were lucky. She just stood listening.

Not hard enough, if you want my opinion. If she�d been doing a proper job, she would have heard those tiny footfalls across the straw.

She would have turned, to see what we saw.

Buster and two of his rough little terrier mates creeping in through the stable door that she�d left open.

And by the time the farmer turned to leave the barn, they were as safely hidden behind the wheelbarrow as we were up there in the loft.

8: Here comes Ugly Club

HATE ME FOREVER if you like, but I�m still going to say it.

I hope your mum and dad keep you inside on Halloween!

And if you manage to nag them long enough to let you go out to show your brand-new monster mask to all the neighbours, I hope they�ve taught you how to shut a gate. The kids in our town must have let out every dog for miles around while they were Trick or Treating. By the time we cats sneaked out of the barn to get away from Buster and the terriers, the place was swarming with dogs of every shape and size and description, all running up to join the fray and all barking their heads off.

9: Terrifying Beast

OKAY, OKAY. so feed me worms all week. The dogs got into the house.

How is that my fault? How was I supposed to know that when I sprang back like that, with my claws sticking out and my hair up on end, this giant shadow of me would appear on the wall.

I didn�t realize I would end up looking quite so fierce.

And huge.

And scary.

I didn�t know my shadow was going to frighten all those wussie dogs that much.

10: The very best of shows

I DON�T THINK any group of people, ever, in the whole history of the world, can have been frightened so easily.

Of course, it helped that it was Halloween. What had Ellie�s father called it? �The time when everything evil and ugly and dangerous crawls out to stalk the land. A very suitable day indeed for Tuffy�s birthday.�

Well, it was a very suitable day indeed for Tuffy�s greatest performance.

Except, of course, that it was not day. It was night. Dark, with almost no moon. The trees were bending in the wind, and all those dogs howling and whining and whimpering made an excellent soundtrack.

So I stood in front of the little floodlight set in the lawn and I went for it. I clawed the air. I arched. I spat. I writhed. I bent my head sideways and gave a host of evil leers. I stood up on my back legs and scratched the air. I spun round. I bared my teeth.

My word, it was the very best of shows. Tiger and Bella kept up a soft, ethereal, other-worldly yowling that would have made my fur stand up on end if it had not been up on end already.

People and dogs spilled out of the door. They were all fighting one another like starved rats in a bag. It was the perfect moment, and down came the claws in my shadow like a velociraptor snatching at prey.

Snatch!

Snatch!

Snatch!

Snatch!